Who You Are vs. What You Do. (#11)

So I fell off the horse and missed a blog last week.  I have had a concept rolling around in my head for a long time and last week I decided I wanted to blog about it.  In my opinion, knowing your identity is very important.

I guess I should throw in a disclaimer.  Considering that I am male, and therefore all my experiences which dictate my opinions are from the male perspective, this blog may only mean anything to males.

In my line of work there is a lot of machoism.  In fact, in my family there is a lot of machoism.  I was raised around construction workers and spent most of my childhood picking up nails, stepping on nails, picking up scrap wood and smashing my fingers with framing hammers around beer swilling, beam lifting, hard working manly men.  I should have known then I would enter a career path where you are measured by how willing you are to "be a man".  Jump into the fights, show up to help your co-workers out and never turn from the scary, the difficult or the messy.

I have noticed, unfortunately, that a large number of males in my workplace are not secure in their self-identity as "men".  That is not a reference to sexuality.  It means that there is a validation that they missed out on as a young man.  In most cultures, there is a defining moment when a boy becomes a man.  After that moment, the boys are treated as men.  We do not really have that in the American culture anymore.  

Luckily, I had an experience where my dad called me out and said, "From now on you are a man."  I was no longer just a 16 year old.  I was treated like a man.  Allowed to make my own decisions and held responsible for those decisions.  As a result, I do not feel like I have to do anything to prove my manhood to anyone.  My father recognized it and validated it.  Done.

All my life experiences, the choices I have made and the principles my parents instilled in me created my character.  Those things define who I am.  Not the job I chose.  Not the amount of fights I have fought.  Not the sports I play.  Not the art I create.  Not the instruments I play.  Who you are should not be defined by what you do.  What you do should be enhanced by who you are.

I believe that knowing who you are increases your ability to process what is going on in your life.  It makes it ok when you realize that you can not control anyone or anything but your self.  I choose to perform what I do with honor and respect.  The way my dad taught me to live, that is who I am.

What I do sometimes calls for me to physically control people.  The way I do that is determined by who I am.  When I gain control of a person, there is no need to belittle them.  To trash talk and act like the toughest guy in the world.  That does nothing for me.  However, if a person is defined by what they do, then every time they accomplish a task, they do everything they can to show how good they are.  Calling out to any one around to validate them as a person, as a man.

As I write this, I do not really know where to go from here.  I guess I just want to say that I hope you fathers out there will validate your boys.  Teach them what it means to be a man, to be a warrior.  Being a warrior is not always about beating people up.  It is about not ever giving up, taking responsibility for your decisions and treating everyone with respect.  Do what you enjoy.  Learn to appreciate the "artsy" stuff.  Some of the toughest warriors in history did things often considered "not manly".  Samurai studied poetry, King David played the harp.

Who you are should enhance what you do and what you do should not define who you are.  Make sense?

-dg